caillou

Thursday, 29 November 2007

this feeling just gets better all the time.

Spacer thought I was talking about a massage chair when I mentioned Rolleiflex. That was so so so cute! Looking at those pictures, they gave me feelings of frustration, crushed hopes, and impatient-ness!!! I MUST BE RICH. I MUST I MUST I MUST I MUST! Looking at how fast my savings are depleting, I think I can cry and hide under covers for days... now I've to go through months of Disciplinary Money Saving Scheme I hold once in a blue moon. most of the time, it never worked. So how now, how now, how now! I need what i really, really, badly want.

Wednesday, 28 November 2007

if you are chilly, here take my sweater.

Monday, 26 November 2007

bday bash at Home. pictures.

s-s-s-shhhh-aaaa kila, your against-the-wall pictures, I'll give them tonight!

Sunday, 25 November 2007

bday bash at Home.

I've got pictures pictures pictures! Soon soon soon soon! And oh I know how badly you people want to see your pretty faces!!

Friday, 23 November 2007

I don't worry cause, everything's gonna be alright.

Tee, we have alot of faith in you and your life. All of us know things are going to get better no matter how backbreaking life has to go on you. We know you'll pull through. And you know that you'll have all of us to hinge on. You see how much pain you inflicted upon yourself and us, seeing you suffer like this. Things don't always have to end emotionally. I love you too much, I honestly couldn't bear the news I heard first hand. Though today's visit was short, I hope you don't have to bring me back to some hospital again to see you lie in bed out of a reason so dim and senseless. Hey, we suffered an infestation of lots of father, mother, baby cockroaches on our way back home okay. The next time you think of doing it again, you jollywell swallow ME twenty bloody times first, or I'll bloody tickle you till you die, and realise, there's more to a seventeen, than clouding your brain on some issues that you can fine solution in...5 minutes. I mean it. And I know you know that I really, really, really, love you. Just keep this in mind, To Be or Not To Be. And yes, CACA! How could you get hosptalised too a day immediately after Tee!! Vow of life and death together ehh? Next up, visit me at SGH laaa can?

Wednesday, 21 November 2007

he needs new shirts.

... and I need new heels.

keeps getting better.

I'm excited for tomorrow! Too excited. And I've been feeling hungry all the time these days, despite the fact that I eat more than three meals a day. And my family's been turning in early nowadays too. I don't like the idea of being the only bright-eyed when everyone's asleep! I can't sleep, and I eat alot. Now what's up? *shakes head*

Sunday, 18 November 2007

my back is turned on you.

I've got a long, long, long, long, long, loooooooooonnnnngggg list of to-do things for this week in my brain awaiting me to pen them down. I'm so happy that finally, I get to savour mockery's plate and have the best time laughing at me-and-her-know-who! because that dikhead is all about thinking with his dik and can never seem to control it. the dik i mean.

Saturday, 17 November 2007

make believe.

no one no one no one can get in the way of how I feel for you.
=))))))

Friday, 16 November 2007

diet.

it irks me whenever random people and people I know mention their infamous killer words. on normal occasions it'll be 2 words long. on a not so normal occasion, it'll be slightly longer, perhaps 2-11 words? alright what are they? they are, "Diet eh?" or on the not so normal occasions, "Eh, eh! Langsingnye badan. Diet eh!!? Tu tengok tu kurus je. Jaga makan kan niiiii!" or in other meaning the aunties were saying, that I look after my body figure by reducing what I eat and yaddayaddayaddayadda. and following those words, are their so obvious stares. as though what they said previously has given them an auto permission to scan my body through and throughly, carrying question marks in their eyes. and even worst, they touch me. waist especially. yes, it really does irk me.

it irritates, it annoys and it spoils the moment. if others were in my place, feeling exactly what I'm going through, they wouldn't agree either to be this thin! though I'm a 41kg now, my thinness is just so obvious I do not know why. and for peanuts sake I don't engage myself in some diet to look like how I am now, although some, let me say SOME girls wish to adopt a skeletal figure like this. the insufficient flesh on the upper half of my body, is the contributory factor to this stupid issue. and to make it even worse, my ma can chirp in, "yeah, she doesn't eat alot." don't you realise I got it from you mama! sorry I have to pen this pointless, empty entry. all for the sake of updating.

oh and on tuesday I karaoked with paus, mondok and joette. we watched The Seeker before that. that day went well I wish Dee was there too. and I baked cupcakes the next day with hudaaadaaah. and I met the girls the day after. and I watched spongebob's movie and it was Fiz's cd. girls, he is NOT my boyfriend, dammit!
*meowssss*

Monday, 12 November 2007

and I'm losing all ambitions, when Mum came along.

out of downheartedness, I text mum immediately. Illustrating my frustration, my anger, my despondency to her. I was so desperate for someone to comfort me, and there was my life idol. She said this specially to me,

"Enough crying sayang. Remember, do things with your heart, and remember the One, god willing you won't feel that every thing's hurting you. While I'm still standing and alive, you still have me to cry your misery to. What if I'm gone? Who else are you going to talk to. Is that okay, sayang? Remember me, you do love me right? Try your best to do it right, try your best to let it go. Probably he's had enough thoughts in his mind, he's probably just depressed. Be calm, wait for me to come home..."

sigh.
I've to tidy up now. Only I know how topsy turvy I've turn the house into. Everything's on the floor. Including the fresh apples and oranges in the fruit bowl. I had fun kicking them around. And I had fun making my poor, poor, innocent bunny have the fright of his bunny life.

i'm angry and so, so sad.

I've tried my very best to not give a fuck to what you have to say or what you've said, everytime you open your mouth dad. You never really think before you speak. Or maybe you did, cause your words are so piercing, intense, agonizing, bitter and cold. It stabs right through just about everything. My ears, my heart, my confidence, my will, my patience, my tolerance level. They'll all get affected once you start talking about things you think is right in your very own shallow thinking. You never knew I've always had enough of you. You never knew. How I prayed so hard everyday, that God will make you realize I want you out of my world if I could. But that's all beyond my will. I thought maybe resentment won't do myself any good and so, I resorted to being nice as best as I could. But. You've never appreciated anything from me, you instruct like I'm no daughter of yours, you insult like I'm an outsider, you scold and vulgarize like I'm your opponent, like I have to be brought down, like I have to be hurt. Why? I made you proud just yesterday, now I really don't see the point to my objective. I never should have included you in my mind whenever I think I should make people proud. I don't think I want you to be proud of me anymore. I live my days (and to think that I'm only 17 and have so much resentment for you already) as a typical daughter, I do my things the way god instructed a good Muslim teenage to be, I hope god understands how I can't be sincere, how hard it is to be sincere, for you. They've hurt me enough dad. They've shattered me enough. And I hate to let myself cry because of you. I thought a father should give the best to her daughter/children in all aspects of life. Be it your words, your actions, your gifts. None of them has ever appealed me in any way. If you think you're making me stronger/wiser/improved with those words, I never found any reason for being so, so far. And as far as I'm concerned, you're just about bringing me down, and winning the Fact Fight. I hope one day, you'll realize, I, your daughter, don't need to be involved in your Fact Fight game and let you win to allow you to feel you're superior. Don't blame me if my affections towards mum is far more healthier than what I have for you. I hope you read this. 'Cause I believe you've been checking on me. This blog is no longer a secret I keep, I hope. I'm hurt so badly. I guess I'm not the happy girl after all. Whatever for? It seems like my happiness comes with prices to pay for; everytime I smile for a moment, I'll be silent the next. What's up with life.

i'm a ghost.

last friday, I spotted a rainbow. a long arch stretched across 2-3 buildings and i smiled. cause it was so colourful i felt happy all inside. =) my mind ran through a stream of thoughts within that split three seconds and i almost missed my stop. now school is officially out, marketing's exam's over and i can have the time of my life till the 2nd of january. hopefully i get a pass the least, i don't expect a higher distinction for this paper. a year more, and i'll be earning. can i believe that! i'll try spending these holidays the smoothest way possible. how i wished i could muster all the courage i need to take pictures alone.
i just can't do it. all i can think of for now is, my much awaited bus ride in my reclusive world, build just for me, shut out from the macrocosm sphere.

and oh i made ma and pa proud today. i shared the news with some other people i consider dear and they were happy for me as well. i clinched 2nd place for exams this year in sunday school! i'll try a little harder next time.
and "photoshoot" must be done before ainsley loses his hair
all to serving the nation.

to miss. it's the only thing left
to remind me that
i'm still human.

Wednesday, 7 November 2007

guilty pleasure.

as if being patient is not quite good enough. I've to learn how to fly, and detach even more. Day started out great, I don't need to mention where I was. Haaahaa. Sorry people. Constipated faces, and more constipated faces. Of Myself. And thanks you Rizky for the camera. I shouldve brought along D70.