caillou

Sunday, 29 April 2007

my wish.

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you want to go, and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window. If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything, my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold, And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget, all the ones who love you, in the place you left, I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh. find God's grace, in every mistake, and always give more than you take.

all the best dude. my prayer's with you always.

Friday, 27 April 2007

smooth and creamy part one

here. i deleted this post which meant to be yesterday's. requests and questions came from alba and ashton and so here it is.

well at the very least, let's just say i have to keep holding on for me. to walk this very path i couldn't seem to comprehend. because i know what i want! what i want will bring me wonders of the world. insya allah. so long as i know that life doesn't revolve around relationships, and a figure to replace a somebody. well someone ever had the cheek to say this to me, "well i guess, your life's been a bitch huh". i wonder from which angle does that bold person view life?

relationship-wise, god, i have to admit, it hasn't been a breeze. and to have at least pull through, and do justice to the heart, i give a myself a proud nod. not successful in one(a relationship) doesn't make life a bitch. HAH! if the earth cum life calls for me to be alone working this matter, then i should really go ahead. because, i've realized, if the inside is as strong as a thousand tonnes of steel, who needs a somebody? i don't need a little pick-me-up that comes in a form of a request. i can pick me, in that case. laugh or smirk all you want if you have thought that it took me almost a whole month to rejoice. but just plug this in your head. i'm honest and i know what i do. compared to some childish cheapskate casanova ways to claim your replacement. i'm proud of your masterpiece then, if you really show me that you've got a sparkling clean cleaned up attitude. when i've been chanting in head, you're just so the same.

I'm never gonna stoop so low to believe a lie. Your ego's gonna bring you down. do believe that.
Holding your head high for something so petty is just a plain-everyone-can-do. a common material.
HEY. watch me stand there watching you watching me getting what you want and i just laugh because you think your so damn cute. immature alien head.

and anyway today(27th april), i have to admit i did had funfunfunfun with my soulgriever. makcik fun. we came across many prettypretty boys. wahah. that isn't the highlight yeah. and yea, i came to find out that, ashton's not gonna be in school on the 2nd of may. that'll be total silence. nothing to crap and say lame things about. and worst is, nothing to laugh at. and today while on the way home, a beautiful chic held my arm and stopped me to ask a question. i thought i dropped something on the floor and she's returning it to me or something. but it wasn't that. she was really pleasant, and polite. a lil older than me and i remember her face. ya'll know what she asked? she asked about my soft pants. HA HA. i laughed so hard silently because i never thought such a thing would happen to me. who would be interested in looking or even, shooting a glance at me right. because i know i ain't goodlooking nor worth a glance. and so i told her where i got it from. and i could see she was satisfied and contented.

and my highlight of the day was that: i met funnyboy online through alba's msn account.

and after which, i knew how to start dreaming again.

i'm happyi'mhappyi'mhappy!

smooth and creamy.

r to the e to the p to the l to the a to the c to the e to the m to the e to the n to the t.

i deleted today's post. thinking i would be better off having this container-full of self-esteem burning inside me, a secret i only keep.
yes, it's back.
i love the return of my long-lost self esteem.
now late me embrace it properly so that it won't run away and hide from me ever again.

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

i'll sit on my window ledge, and wait for you to find your place next to me.

ashton if you're reading this. you're crazy okay! don't remind me of the mondok thingy again. it hurts the stomach so much having to laugh so hard.

so today. class wasn't cancelled. after school, alba and me couldn't actually decide where we should go. as usual we roamed and became aimless. and then later decided we should catch some starbucks' frappucino. from where we were, which is starbucks, i don't quite remember where we went actually. all i did remember was, both of us bought the same pair of shoes; alba's white, while i selected a yellow ochre for my feet-that-couldn't-suit-white. headed to nlb to book hunt again and then it was home for me, and tutoring for alba. i thought i could treat myself to an early afternoon home and catch some, say, 40-80 winks? but i couldn't. had to keep up with house chores. and assignment analysis. without i noticing the hands of the grandmother clock. it was miserably 6plus close to 7. i guess i have to end today by2.30am again.

i'm made of something, something, something!

it's exhausting how i have to wake up late everyday. and irritating too. when just a few months ago before school starts, i will always be the early riser, on the go. running errands around the house. and when angel gets home, she'll be happy seeing the house clean and spotless. so now? i get headaches from late mornings, and late wake ups. not an inch of housework done. irritating guilty pleasures. and haiyerrr. assignment is also not done.

i never learn. i just get up and go.

i won't subject myself to such pain.ever again.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

bisikan seorang pakcik!

i forgot to mention. there was this one incident i really wouldnt forget. ever in my entire life. now first let me laugh. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay dah cukop.
we(me and hana) alighted at somerset. to indulge in another starbucks' session last friday. since class was cancelled last minute, i was so HAPPY because in the first place, i dreaded that class. lecturer took an urgent leave and everyone was complaining. while i, i whined. WAKAKA. okay. so back to somerset. as we walked through that area, gleefully sauntering down the sloping-downwards pathway under the very scorching hot sunlight. when a pakcik walking our opposite direction, gave a closer walk to me. i thought it was just a normal walking disorder these people had. but no i was wrong. HE WHISPERED LOUDLY TO ME! like what the fuck right! but it was so god damn funny!! his face was so close la seh! it sounded like "mondok". i couldnt really make up what he said but it sounded really like "mondok!" hahahahaha!!!!!!
and as we moved along, more 'assalamualaikum's came by here and there. stares, and more stares. to Hana la who else kan. WAHAHAHAHA! pakcik, pakcik. bini kat rumah tengah tunggu, kau bisik2 kat aku pulak. it really gave us a hearty laugh.
i can feel the tummy tickle till now. right this very moment.

yeah oh yeah oh. haaa haaa haaa.

i've been witnessing mini coopers whizzing pass me since the moment i spent hours outside. to some, it shouldn't be a big deal, but to me it is! heh heh heh. that's my dream car. there was this point of time when i waited for angel. five or six, i can't remember, passed me by. right in front of my eyes, on the same road, at five/six different intervals!! only the Almighty knows how i felt at that point of time. ha ha. and did i mention about the terrible migraine that caught up with me on friday? it was my very first time to encounter such pain and at that time, the pain was one-sided. it hurts soo much, and till today, i could feel the ex-hurt at my temples.

and plus, talking to tee on the phone just a few moments ago, she told me she saw one.

you know. M.C. yes, mini cooper.

i don't care infinity times. heeh heeh heeh!

Monday, 23 April 2007

weeeehoooo.

i have 4 texts to complete. thick ones mind you. so occupied i don't know which to complete first! i have, when your child has an eating disorder, preventing eating disorders among pre-teen, nikon D70 digital field guide, and special topics in calamity physics.
goodness gracious me. which should go first.....

Sunday, 22 April 2007

calamity physics.

last night was again great fun. angel, dad and me caught a horror movie together. from morning till the next day; around 1am, close to 2 to be precised, then we step home again. my eyes were already so teary. i just thought of the bed at home, but ironically, i couldnt shut these eyeballs even after my head parked on the pillow. we got dunkin doughnuts. i have it chocolate filled, green apple filling, strawberry, peanut butter and whatever you imagined it to be. alba aka hana, had to entertain my texts, because she's the only soul alive and available for me at 3am! this is a biggie for me because never never ever in my entire life i had to sleep that late. because i never could. and now i can! and so the aftermath was, a heavyhead in class.

i need mondays tuesdays wednesdays thursdays fridays to last 48 hours a day.

Friday, 20 April 2007

temani airmata ku.

in a trice, the catastrophic fires wiped out this very place i had for.
imagine a wound left open, and rubbed further with sand.
or a piece of rock.
was too tired keeping these silent screams quiet,
it's forgotten that the once there voice was never gone.
and it starts all over again, infinity times.

bawa serta dirimu, dirimu yang dulu, mencintaiku
apa adanya.

Thursday, 19 April 2007

Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning 
Now I'm here to stay, love can be so boring 
And nothing's quite the same now 
I just say your name now. 

But it's not so bad 
You're only the best I ever had 
You don't want me back 
You're just the best I ever had. 

So you stole my world, now I'm just a phony 
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely 
Well send it in a letter 
Make yourself feel better. 

And it might take some time to patch me up inside 
but I can't take it so I, I run away and hide 
And I might find in time that you were always right 
You're always right. 
Was it what you wanted? 
Could it be I'm haunted?

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning, you're just the best i ever had.

Wednesday, 18 April 2007

You're only the best I ever had.

if only walking the vast distances could be equivalent to dropping my countless numbness carelessly, my conscience would already be alright. i, would be alright. if only the tear-jerking laughing sessions with Alba wouldn't mean me concealing the heart to my heart, wouldn't mean me masking on a no-face, i again, would already be alright. and if only i'd stop myself from imagining alba-knows-who everywhere i go, I CAN BE ALRIGHT! hurrgghh! and lastly, if only i could share 50:50 the cost of that sleek red shoe i wanted with my angel, i would be one tenth ALRIGHT! hurrggghhh!

And I might find in time that you were always right, you're always right.

So I threw caution to the wind, and started listening to my longing heart.

i was fortunate yesterday because i didn't have to walk in the rain alone like i was on Thursday. so there i was yesterday in the train, caught up with the republicans crowd alone. and alone i had to stand on the grounds of the wobbly, so undependable SMRT. heheh. with two purposes in mind. to see my Angel again and, in search of a new book. was in town again and that time, i was driven towards taka's kino bookstore. spent two whole hours deciding and being absorbed with the books from the literature section. i was at that stretch for two whole hours. surprisingly, i didn't realise it myself. and got myself a 661 page read. book's from Marisha Pessl. and its title: special topics in calamity physics. after paying, i headed to royal plaza on scotts, the meeting place ma set. from the overhead bridge between far east and r.p on scotts, ma was waving enthusiastically at me. haha. which was just so cute. of course i didn't wave back, the bus stop was too packed and so i just gave her a really enormous smile. ma and me had early dinner at sakura. then, it was home. and i met tee under my window. HA HA HA.

plus,plus. never did i purchase an Elle magazine before. but for assignment's sake, i wasted six dollars just because of this one particular article that i was really attracted to. but worth it la horr? there are free pouches packaged together with the magazine. pathetically; six dollars just because there were pouches inside?

and tomorrow? school! oh yeayy! oh yeayy! can't wait to hit my soft pants, my snake skin bag and the thick book too! and, NLB, here we come! right now, ideas for my assignment are over-flowing. i don't know if i could catch up fast as these ideas are pouring out. because, the first idea aren't even penned down as drafts yet! and i've yet to run the errands today. alone. again. AHAHAHA.

Sunday, 15 April 2007

because the scars run so deep.

for the very first time, i got very very very pissed off and irritated with the shopping bags i had to carry just earlier this day. usually, i'll be the contented girl whenever i have shopping bags in my hand, wandering around and secretly wishing i had more of them in my hands. but i wasn't today. ma was equally laden with troublesome carriers, & i did wished our bags could be magically transported home. had to bring back home my 3pairs of altered bottoms and i just couldn't adapt to myself just now. thinking disorder i guess. i feel as if i wasn't fine with myself. or maybe! i was just being cranky due to the lack of sleep. like i mentioned before, i need storytellers that can really put me to sleep. on time that is.

Just have a little patience

I'm still hurting from a love I lost

I'm feeling your frustration

Any minute all the pain will stop.

Just hold me close inside your arms tonight

Don't be too hard on my emotions.

Cause I need time,

My heart is numb, has no feeling

So while I'm still healing

Just try and have a little patience.

I really wanna start over again. I know you wanna be my salvation,

The one that I can always depend.

I'll try to be strong

Believe me I'm trying to move on

It's complicated but understand me.

Cause the scars run so deep

It's been hard but I have to believe

Just have a little patience.

Saturday, 14 April 2007

babi bunian 1 and babi bunian 2.

home from all the distant walking between the carpark and the heart of geylang, really really ached my feet and hips too. but no regrets, in fact never did i regret one singe outing with P&M. tomorrow, i'm gonna skip sunday school and play truant. ya la like real. skip sunday school for the sake of going shopping with ma one more time. i'm gonna get the other same pair of soft pants only in different colour this time. and i loved the dream i had when i was flat in the car. catching up with zzz. i wish for a realistic version of what seemed so touchable. i miss us.

hmmmmmm.

booohuuuhuuuhuuu. I don't know why my tagboard won't work! uwwwwweekkkkk......
sha? help me please... i want messages coming in. now it won't work. why oh whyyyyyy.

Friday, 13 April 2007

fantasy

ah..finally it's friday. which shows, that in 300 minutes time, saturday will walk in. to greet me with its cozy, delightful, downright neighbourly calm caress around my heart. ahh...how i love saturdays. for me, it would be a pa-ma day. where we'll have the hours out and not under the heavy concrete ceilings of hdb.
even so, i still am cracking my brain worth months of unpolished creativity, (i hope), to work on this first assignment. draft out plans will be due by next wednesday and i think that is a little to short a duration for a person like me who can't simply summon creativity just by a snap of the finger. and that is a long sentence! hopefully fatigue won't come over to pay shahrul a visit and by then, i'll have no help. you owe me a day out, plus my photos transmogrified. just don't say no.

late morning.

F.U.R.B.
f**k you right back.
HA HA HA.

Thursday, 12 April 2007

penglipur lara- one who cheers another up!

I'm ala-ala tyra banks-go-short-suddenly in her web site's blog right now; with pyjamas and exact messy bed an arm's length away. puffy eyed and slightly oil-based skin. heheh la.
early afternoon hours and here i am home. school was, without fail thrilling with jessica. which is a for sure.

i tried to have some sleep last night. what else. i've been tossing and turning since 12 and it took me 3 message replies to jessica, and immediately after, sleep took effect; i think. and so today i treated myself to an early return home, just to go out again around late 6pm, and see the Angel at orchard mrt. ALONE that is. Angel finishes work at 7 so i shall go take a trip to wheelock and what else; borders gonna take my attention for few moments, while waiting. Angel, aka My Mama has been home by nine eversince the assignment at orchard was accepted by her. so i thought i wanted to fetch her on days that i could, even if it took me multiple trips to and fro. ma don't drive a honda, so we'll smrt home. right? and i've planned what i'll do when i see ma. first i'll carry the super heavy bag. and next. uhm. i dont quite know. i'm gonna buy her a something and write 'pour mon ange' (for my angel) on it and give it to her. i'm on doing things i think i'd like people to make it happen to me. since it's not happening and coming any nearer, i'll share my wants out and do it to them. it makes me... feel good inside. so, i won't grudge or question anymore as to why it isn't happening to me, i shall just do the littlelittle pleasant things i would reallyreally like to experience; to somebody else i don't care who. i'm gonna live up to my name- ayuni. Ayuni is, keindahan. actually. i didn't intend to type all this away. haha. this is what happens when inspiration sets in.

plus i'm looking for a sandman. or perhaps storytellers. this lack of sleep is really putting me at needle tip's end. i need to zzzzz now. i've got assignments and finishing edtp soon.

Wednesday, 11 April 2007

EHY! I know i'm not pretty. uwahwahwahwa.

ah.. school was fun! fun! fun! after school was, oh my, fun tooo! nyeheheh. i witnessed a whole lot of strangers' barmy behaviours, by the bay, in the bus, plus the train too, in the bus again, on the streets, smooches, eager baristas in starbucks, chubby nyonyas by old chang kee's counter, and... my diva-ish classmate. HANA's got a thing with her. hahahaha. told ya han. sherwin again, i feel like stuffing his words back into his pockets, stomach, brain, and maybe, shoes. though so, he was the most enormous help to me. up till now, i hate the words used at adobe in design cs2. what not to be confused? they drive me crazaaayy! the words used that is. anyway, pictures in this entry was when me and Suezy had a 'day-slumber-party' in my bedroom on my bed. i have a video of suezy dancing in my room but too unfortunately computer could not upload the video.

and hahaha. samaritans, do take a mouse click, or, a couple of clicks to my friendster profile. i think i'll sing that awfully-catchy-bootymoving song one day. DO GO HEAR. OKAY.

hush sayang.

Almighty, kill these painful torments. Relief this agony inflicted upon. Brace me. Please..

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

chocolate's healthier than tea.

and let's say yeayy. because tomorrow there's school! second day that is. and all about edtp again. plus!plus! hana's gonna be there and i really wanna see school tomorrow during the early hours. don't care, but i'm just gonna be early. don't ask me why, i don't know myself.
i had the whole afternoon with Suezy today. I presume the One above is trying to consign me my daily dose of laughter and euphoria. Alhamdulillah. it was a one totally out of the ordinary afternoons we had. that i just wish mother earth would yield to this; give us an encore telecast to what happened, say, 5hours ago? please?

Monday, 9 April 2007

the fingers and toes technique.

Dear Almighty,
guide me through this blinding path, and hold my hand; take my heart. Tell me You're close. I want to walk life the way You shaped it specially, abide Your sayings. assist me at places You'll place me. in this peculiar world, i long to feel Your presence at every moment of my life. follow me through, accompany and watch over me. stay close to me. soothe me, calm me, pacify me. Dear Almighty, relief me every time I'm miffed and crossed. dismiss me my venge. cast away my troubles, my burden. my tears. turn all doubts crystal clear. wake the eyes to my heart. allow me to forgive my soul, to let this clasp go. show me a fitter way to serenity. seize my inclination, embrace my heart, nurture it. And when all is done, sink it back to me, and show me the true way to loving.
Demi Allah. Demi the Almighty.
I know You always love me.

Sunday, 8 April 2007

i can have another you by... never, i guess?

i'll have no school tomorrow, and tuesday. and more no-schools the following friday, all the way right to next, next week's wednesday. kinda boring, i know, for a full time private student. what more school's ALMOST all about editing and desktop publishing. lucky this subject existed in my course or else i think i wouldn't even know how to play with adobe's photoshop. in fact first lesson was wacky. in the midst of an-almost-dead-class, i just had to busy myself with my seriously unintended innocence and a little of my irritating bugs to sherwin. fortunately he could bare me plus my nonsense. or else i think i wont go anywhere with photoshop. heh.

Saturday, 7 April 2007

recount.

okay finally. the real wireless's here. laptop's here, wireless's also here. no more quarelling with my brother, having to change the wires everywhere. and only allowing one miserable person to surf at a time. so here i am. new link, new desires, new expectations, new almost everything. i've fallen out of love, the most important highlight this semester which really got me going: Never gonna be a next time. very very very numb indeed.

credits to your friends where you got them all against me, formed a groupie, and said im a nigger dawg. oh well. that's what i'll get i guess from over expecting? hah. i can turn everything down now easily. schat you did well supporting me. at least ive realised now i dont have to lose a wink of my sleep.

okay updates. yesterday i spend the whole first half of the day with pa. i had so much fun. crap sessions with him was like really forcing all my intestines out my mouth while laughing. he made me fatter i guess. i think i had too much air entered. Pa did so many things-out-of-the-ordinary. giving me hell rides. and spoiling me too. he always does that i suppose. till Shahrul said i'm manja. i'm not sure about that toffee. heehee. and after the first half was done, pa and me had to rush to fetch ma. how crazily he can get on the wheel. making me think i can lose my life anytime. had dinner out, and then went home around eleven. enjoyed a really late call with tee. another crappy soul. i was on the bed. you made me laugh till i curled like a prawn. tee you do tht nonsense again, i'll SURELY be delighted. i still remembered the little everythings which send me to a really deep sleep soon after.

Thursday, 5 April 2007

hello.

shared an account with schat and pamela. so here it is, the new-y.